Walks Funny
by Midgardian's Enchantment
Summary: It is well known throughout the Avengers Tower that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers did not get along. That's fine and dandy until Steve angers Tony and Tony takes it out on Darcy. Sequel to She Who has the Biggest Cojones, Darcy Lewis strikes again. Only this time, its Captain America in her crosshairs. Rated for Adult Themes/Language


**WALKS FUNNY**

 **SUMMARY** : It is well known throughout the Avengers Tower that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers did not get along. That's fine and dandy until Steve angers Tony and Tony takes it out on Darcy. Sequel to She Who has the Biggest Cojones, Darcy Lewis strikes again. Only this time, its Captain America in her crosshairs.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE** : One of my 2018 News Years Resolutions is to write EVERY WEEK, no matter what. It might not get posted that week, but I will get something out. 2017 was a really rough year for me. I work anywhere between 60-90 hours per week and after losing my grandmother in October, I am the sole provider for my household. I find writing very therapeutic, and I intend to cash in on that. I can only apologize for how long it has been since I actually posted something. I need to go back through and reread/edit everything that has already been posted so that I can regain the thought process and the voice behind those stories everyone has been waiting so long for updates on. Please forgive my absence, and please; please, bear with me as I regain my footing.

The last thing anyone in the Avenger's Tower expected 45 minutes after Movie Night began was to see Captain America come wobbling into the common room with tears streaming down his face and his breath hitching. While Thor had never shown up, the Captain'd been the first (and only one) to retire for the night and had been fine when he left. He was decidedly not fine – he was clothed in only a towel hanging precariously around his hips and he was already desperate enough to hit his knees in front of Tony Stark trying to get enough air to make his request.

The common room went dead silent. The towel wasn't hiding the fact that Cap was at full mast; he was sweating and gasping. Tony didn't have any idea as to what was going on – the last thing he knew they were fighting again. Steve was pissed off at him for risking his life during the last call out and Tony was pissed at him for not trusting his judgement and comparing his to Howard. For some reason, this fight got nasty quick and they both had been running around on short tempers. Tony thinks that's why Cap left Movie Night early.

It didn't matter that they were fighting. It didn't matter that Steve had been an ass and yelled at Tony for almost 40 minutes until Tony exploded back. It didn't matter that they hadn't talked since. It didn't matter that Tony's eyes were bloodshot and he had a fine tremor running through his body. It didn't matter that Tony had been unable to meet anyone's eyes since Natasha dragged him into the common room. All that mattered to Tony was his team leader on his knees in front of him, unwilling to look up. "What do you need Cap?" he asked a little out of breath himself.

"Help?" was broken airy reply.

 **~*Sixteen Hours Earlier*~**

Darcy knew going into the lab after Tony and Steve's fight was a bad idea. She really had. That being said, she knew with an absolute certainty that she couldn't let Iron Man stew over the fight. It had been brutal. Captain Asshat had lost his damn mind after Tony had pulled off a last-minute Hail Mary save. Granted, Tony had come a hair's breadth of becoming an Iron Pancake on First Avenue… but the man was a super genius. He knew the risks, the odds, _and_ the calculations to pull it off.

Back to the fight after the fight. Steve had got right in Tony's personal space and _screamed_ at him for how 'impulsively stupid' the move had been. It didn't matter that they were in a public space and the whole world was watching – Cap was mad and everybody was gonna know about it. Everybody also knew when Tony hit him limit and slammed his faceplate down. Faceplate came down, thrusters went up, and Iron Man was outta there. He'd turned his comms off on the way back to the Tower. Turns out he was prepping for a return volley for when Steve got back.

The resulting screaming match ended in six damaged pieces of furniture, a hole in the lab wall courtesy of Steve Roger's fist, and two very, extremely irate Avengers. The fight spanned the whole of the Tower and actually only ended when Bruce Hulked out and shoved them into opposite corners. It was the kind of fight that would end families let alone tentative working partnerships.

So, Darcy knew going down in to Tony's private lab afterwards was a big mistake. She still had to check on the wayward genius. When she typed in her override code, the door opened but that was about the only thing going right so far.

"Get the fuck out," the man she had come down to check on growled out from a dark corner. He had a long neck bottle of something most likely old and expensive hanging from his left hand as he crouched behind his bots. This was worse than she thought. Tony had mostly given up drinking since Avengers and Company moved in, he was hiding behind his bots like he expected them to protect him, and he _never_ spoke to her that way. Sure, he'd bitch and whine and tell her to get out of his space, but that tone? That tone would have gotten him castrated in any other circumstance.

"I came down to check on you, Tony. What do you need?" she tried. She watched him tighten in on himself like if she couldn't see him he wouldn't exist anymore. Like a cornered tiger preparing to strike out of self-preservation.

"I don't need a goddammed thing from the likes of you!" he roared, finally standing, swaying, and then leaning against U for better support. _From the likes of her?_ What the hell? What the fuck did _that_ mean? "You think you're so goddammed special; prancing around MY tower, because you got lumped in with Thor? I didn't say you could come!" he slurred out. And ouch. That one hurt. If he wanted her gone, she'd leave… but not when he was like this.

"I'm… going to overlook your tone and what you just said," she started trying to be diplomatic. "I understand that you are angry and hurt by your confrontation with Rogers." He stood up from bracing himself against U, stiff, livid, and ready to take on the whole universe. "He was wrong to say the things that he did, the way that he did. You were wrong to escalate it into a Hulk-out," she finished.

"I don't need no fucking college drop out to tell me whether or not I'm right or wrong," he yelled out. Darcy was beginning to get a migraine from his voice. She was trying to remain calm, and centered, no matter tears trying to push their way out from behind her eyes. "The only reason you're here is to make Foster happy, and she's only here to make Thor happy. Its looking more and more like she doesn't even fucking need you!" Well. Now then. That was sorta true. Jane had actual paid assistants' courtesy of Stark Industries. Jane really didn't need her anymore. But… Darcy didn't have anywhere else to go, and why was Tony being so mean?

"Be that as it may, I'd like to help you. What can I do to help you?" she tried one more time. If she couldn't calm him down, she was going to have to leave him like this and send in someone more Tony-qualified. She just wasn't getting the job done. Normally, she'd have him calmer and maybe eating by now. Rogers must have really hurt him during the fight. It didn't matter what the man physically endured, he'd grin through bloody teeth and crack a wise ass remark. You hit on one of his emotional traumas… and it got nasty fast.

"I told you! GET THE FUCK OUT," he screamed. The bottle he had been holding smashed into the wall so close to her head, she could feel what ever alcohol it was burning her skin. Could feel the glass tangle in her curls. Could smell the same smell from foster family number 9, with the mean drunk; the one that broke her arm and three ribs in one go. Finally, she let the tears fall, as she spun around to flee the lab. She never saw the great Tony Stark hit his knees – and she was crying to hard to hear him begging her to come back.

 **~*Twelve Hours Earlier*~**

It had taken a considerable amount of time for her to calm down out of the flashback Tony throwing the bottle at her had caused. It had taken her about an hour to shower the stench of the alcohol off of her skin and to pick all of the glass out of her hair. She didn't find any nicks or cuts – which was a small miracle. As angry as Tony was, she was pretty sure he didn't mean to hurt her. She'd asked J.A.R.V.I.S. for a hiding spot because she couldn't bare to face him again so soon – or any of the others. She only had a few changes of clothes, her beat up sneakers, and her iPod to call her own. She stuffed everything into the oversized messenger bag she'd been carrying since she was sixteen and counted out the cash she'd been stashing in strategic places around the tower. Not enough to get her own place in the city – or any city really, but enough so that she could get gone, and maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't come knocking after the loss of Agent Coulson.

J.A.R.V.I.S. had asked her why she was upset and if there was anything he could do for her. That clued her into the fact that he'd been turned off in Tony's Lab (thank the gods there wasn't going to be a recording of her failure to help Tony). She'd told him he might want to use his personal overrides to check on his creator – and to send someone that could calm him down. She certainly didn't have the sway to send one of the Avengers he was on good terms with – Thor would be a bad choice considering what Tony had just unloaded on her – and she had no way of contacting his girlfriend, Pepper Potts.

She just couldn't figure out why Tony had completely flipped his shit on her. She'd been at the tower three and a half months. She brought him food, that she mostly got him to eat. She helped collate his data and organize any mess he may have left out for the day. She did for him all of those little things she did for Jane, and Bruce, and somethings Doctor Remstiend, the head of the department next to Jane's. It wasn't much – and yeah, sure his bots could mostly do it instead – but it had been her way of repaying him for giving her a place to stay. He'd never asked her for anything in return, and he'd never showed her anything but kindness. Well. Sass and kindness. It was like he'd been taken over by a pod person or something…

"J.A.R.V.I.S., during Steve and Tony's fight, did Steve bring up Howard?" she asked the ceiling. Howard Stark had been a man of many titles, a good father had not been one of them. She'd seen the way Tony would tense up, redirect, _misdirect_ , or flat out avoid the subject. How his hands would tighten, and his eyes would squint. She didn't need to see any reports, official, or otherwise to know that Howard Stark had NOT been the caring, devoted father portrayed in the media.

" _Unfortunately, yes. Captain Rogers made very poorly considered comments to Sir, regarding Mister Stark_ ," came J.A.R.V.I.S.'s reply. That. That unfortunately explained it.

"J.A.R.V.I.S.? How bad was it?" she dared to ask. It had taken her all of three hours on her first day there to figure out that Howard Stark was a non-subject with Tony. Depending on J.A.R.V.I.S.'s answer, it might be time enact a little bit of petty revenge on the good captain.

J.A.R.V.I.S. responded by playing an audio clip from the fight. " **Christ, why can't you be more like your father? At least he listened to directions and didn't put the safety of others at risk! You're not even half the man he was!** " J.A.R.V.I.S. cut off Rogers' rant before it went on any further. What little bit she heard, was enough to bring the tears back in her eyes and a plan into the forefront of her mind.

 **~*Eight Hours Earlier*~**

Darcy Lewis was absolutely livid in a way she hadn't been in a long time. She'd bounced around foster homes from the day she was born, until the day she turned 18 and was dumped out of the system. She'd had plenty of reasons to be angry before. She'd been beaten, starved, assaulted, and nearly killed on her way through all of those homes. She'd learned at an early age that anger turned into rage and rage ate away the inside of your soul.

Foster home six: an older boy, so, so angry at the world. She'd liked that family and hoped she could stay, until he'd gotten angry one night over something trivial and set fire to front living room. He'd gone back upstairs to get something and gotten trapped along with Mr. & Mrs. Lewis. She'd been so angry with herself for jumping out her bedroom window and surviving when they didn't. And then she remembered what his anger had wrought and done her best to let it go.

Now that fire was back inside her – she'd had a brief flare up with Coulson threatening to disappear her for Jane's notebook, but that had worked out in the end – and she was ready to let the Captain have it. She could make a quick trip out of the tower to gain the supplies she needed, set the trap, and still have enough money for a bus ticket outta there. Because, hey. If she wasn't wanted, she wasn't sticking around.

J.A.R.V.I.S. had requested the assistance of both Ms. Potts and Agent Romanoff after Darcy suggested that Sir might need help. Miss Lewis had proven to be especially adept at taking care of Sir, when he was in one of his moods. If she were crying, and J.A.R.V.I.S. did not have eyes on Sir, he was highly concerned for Sir's wellbeing.

Between the two ladies, they managed to get him up and on his feet (J.A.R.V.I.S. was able to reestablish a connection to the lab when they entered). Sir was… highly intoxicated, and quite possibly hysterical. Once Ms. Potts was able to calm the sobbings of 'I'm sorry', and 'I don't wanna be like him' and lead him out of the workshop, J.A.R.V.I.S. sent a message to Butterfingers politely requesting her to clean up the broken glass and liquid. It was DUM-E that finally up-linked what had transpired between Sir and Miss Darcy.

J.A.R.V.I.S.s second request to Agent Romanoff was to check on Miss Darcy. He could not give the agent her exact location, as Miss Darcy had specifically requested a hiding spot and indicated that she did not wish to be bothered. It took Agent Romanoff nearly two hours to find the girl - J.A.R.V.I.S. hadn't realized she was no longer in the tower until she returned (a glitch he would rectify as soon as possible). As it were, she only caught up to her when she caught her doing something, J.A.R.V.I.S. was sure to cause problems.

 **~*Four Hours Earlier*~**

Natasha Romanoff prided herself in her abilities hard won in the Red Room. Still, she had been all over the entirety of Stark Tower and had yet to find the intern that was still whispered about at S.H.I.E.L.D. No one dared speak her name aloud, less the director, deputy director, or Coulson caught wind of it. She'd done _something_ that had infuriated the three of them, yet humbled them at the same time. Natasha knew that a job offer package had been prepped and in Coulson's possession when Loki showed up, but did not know if the girl ever got the offer. Some whispered that she was a superspy, some a being from another dimension.

Sitwell had had a fever of 105 and sang deliriously about glitter and penis confetti. So. To put it mildly, Natasha was interested in meeting the girl that had earned the respect of the top three in S.H.I.E.L.D., the god of Thunder, and the most advanced A.I. on the planet. She was a little annoyed that girl had been in the tower for three and a half months and she'd yet to meet her, by she'd been gone most of the time on a solo mission for Fury, and that she still hadn't found her inside of the tower. Natasha headed to Cap's quarters (as he referred to them, Captain Rogers' floor as referred to by everyone else) and hit pay dirt.

Darcy Lewis was standing outside his door with the electrical panel off the wall trying to jimmy the lock when Natasha rounded the corner. There was a small CVS bag at her feet and a screwdriver in her mouth as she plucked at wires inside the panel. "Cap's not in, he went to the gym to murder a few innocent punching bags," she mumbled around it. It looked like one of the ones Tony used to work on his gauntlets.

Natasha blinked at her. She continued to work at the panel.

"J.A.R.V.I.S. won't open the door for me because I'm not authorized," she said clearly after taking the screw driver out of her mouth to reconnect a wire.

" _Not only are you not authorized to enter the Captains private bedroom, I disapprove of what you are attempting to do_ ," J.A.R.V.I.S. responded. Natasha quirked an eyebrow up at that.

"You know he deserves it, Jay. Maybe knock him off his high horse a little bit and he won't be such a douche to Tony," Darcy calmly pointed out. She muttered a quiet 'ah' when the door panel flashed green and the door to the Captain's room slid open silently. Whether or not J.A.R.V.I.S. had relented and let her in, or if she had cracked Tony Stark's state of the art security was unclear.

What was very clear, was that she was heading uninvited into her team leader's bedroom of all places with what sounded be a nefarious plan. Natasha grabbed her arm and she bent down to scoop up the CVS bag at her feet.

"Umm…" was about all Darcy could get out once she registered just who had a hold of her. Natasha had had enough. First a huge fight downtown with a mutant _something_ , then the biggest blowout fight to date between Rogers, and Stark, Stark nearly drinking himself to death, and now this. Whatever _this_ was.

In her most menacing Black Widow voice, she ground out, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" while increasing her grip on Darcy's arm. Not quite enough to bruise – but enough to get the point across. She watched as Darcy's face fell flat into a blank slate (holy shit, that was impressive), watched her look down to where Natasha had a hold of her (suddenly Natasha was worried about losing a limb), and then watch her mouth move as she responded.

"Payback."

"Payback? On Who? What?" Natasha was so confused.

"You know who and you know why. Rogers took it way to far on Stark. He needs to be knocked down a peg or two. And I know just the trick to do it," Darcy replied jiggling her innocuous CVS bag in the hand opposite of where Natasha was hanging on to her still. Hundreds of scenarios ran through her mind as she wandered what was in that bad that Darcy Lewis thought would make an impact on a super soldier. Nothing she could come up with matched the little devil smirk breaking up the blankness of Darcy's face. She'd caught Natasha looking.

"Will it kill him?" Natasha had to ask. Darcy laughed and deep, throaty laugh that sounded extremely bitter. "Will it maim, traumatize, or otherwise harm Steve Rogers?" she rephrased. Darcy laughed again.

"He won't enjoy it, but no lasting damage will be done. No guarantees on the traumatization part though," Darcy was smirking again. Natasha let her go and stood there dumbfounded as she was ducking into Rogers' room without so much as a by your leave.

"J.A.R.V.I.S.?" she queried quietly.

" _Captain Rogers has turned off all electronic monitoring to his room, Agent Romanoff. I cannot fathom a guess as to what she is doing_."

"Why did you send me to check on her?"

" _Because, she needed a friend, Agent Barton is still in medical and Prince Odinson and Doctor Foster are otherwise occupied_."

"That doesn't explain why you picked me," Natasha retorted. J.A.R.V.I.S. didn't have a chance to explain as the door slid back open and the girl in question turned to replace the electrical panel on the wall. Stark was going to be pissed about that later, Natasha thought. She noticed that the CVS bag was nowhere to be found.

"Nice meeting you Agent Widow, tell Hawkass to stop falling off of buildings for me would ya? Darcy was walking backwards towards the elevator throwing up double finger guns to Natasha. She thought about going in and undoing whatever the girl had wrought, but she did agree that Rogers had crossed a line, and she'd seen the aftermath of how Tony had taken it. For once, she was content to let things ride, without knowing what was coming. If the stories around S.H.I.E.L.D. were to be believed, it was going to be Epic.

 **~*The Beginning of Movie Night*~**

Clint was situated on one of the long couches in the common room, his right knee propped up on pillows, and an icepack on his left shoulder. Bruce and Cap brought in snacks and drinks while Natasha went to fetch Tony. He looked like shit and wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. Thor had sent word that he had business outside of the tower tonight, and Jane was finally resting after a prolonged period of strenuous activity. Natasha deposited Tony into his favorite chair for movies and asked J.A.R.V.I.S. to cue up his current favorite obsession film, Pacific Rim. Bruce handed him a bowl of popcorn, that he nearly spilled when he jolted away from Steve offering him a drink.

Steve waited until the lights were lowered and the movie had been started and slunk away. Most of the people in the room were glaring daggers at him. Tony didn't seem to be paying attention to anything really. Steve guess he'd have to get the man alone tomorrow and apologize. He should never have gotten so irate and said the things he said. He'd regret it almost immediately but by then Tony was hiding in his lab and Steve was not on the override list.

The time he spent in the gym did nothing to ease the tension he'd been carrying since the flight, and J.A.R.V.I.S. was apparently angry with him as well… he'd had no hot water in his apartment or in the gym showers since Bruce Hulked-Out and separated them. So, he did what any other young hot-blooded male would do. He dug under his bed for his box of goodies and grabbed the warming lubricant he found highly recommended online.

It was extremely cold as he squirted it out on his hand, but it had an extremely pleasant wintergreen/minty smell that wafted up to him as he spread it through between his palms. As it began to warm, he applied it to himself and began to work it all along his length and around the tip. It was very warm and tingly and it felt so nice, it would have been wrong not to include his little soldiers along with the general.

It became a problem when it didn't stop heating up. It was getting too hot – to the point of being uncomfortable when he decided to go ahead and wash it off. Since J.A.R.V.I.S. was still angry, he was still stuck with cold water, and he thought that might be the perfect solution to the too hot problem. Only it wasn't. It so, so wasn't. Now, in absolute agony, he knew it was time to seek out help. He was on absolute FIRE.

 **~*Two Hours Later*~**

Thor and Pepper Potts found her at the bus depot before she could select where she wanted to go. All her life she'd been bounced around from one place that didn't want her to another, and about the time she thought she'd finally found a home for herself, this happened. She was determined not to cry however, as she looked over the board. Thor could find her anywhere in any realm – it was part of being one of the people he protected – and she had no idea why Ms. Potts was there. Probably to yell at her for the mess in Tony's lab… or what she did to Rogers. Potts didn't seem to be the kind to side with the person that sent their boyfriend into a downward spiral though.

"Lady Darcy!" Thor boomed across the station. Ms. Potts winced. "I am most pleased to have found you before you departed any further! Come, you must speak with the Lady of Peppers at once!" There really was no 'quiet' setting for any Asgardian that she'd met. And by now they were beginning to attract unwanted attention.

"Please, Miss Lewis, if we could talk somewhere more privately?" Ms. Potts glanced around the depot and at all the people staring at the god of Thunder, and the CEO of Stark Industries. She motioned to the car they must have arrived in and Darcy followed because if nothing else, there was an entire bus depot of witnesses.

Ms. Potts waited until both Thor and Darcy were firmly in the car before rapping her knuckles against the glass divider and the car began to move. "I understand what happened yesterday in Tony's Lab was quite distressing to you," Darcy snorted but let Ms. Potts continue. "Tony is absolutely devastated over what transpired. There is nothing that I or Mr. Stark can say or do that will make up for the things he said – or him throwing that bottle at you." At this Thor's eyes narrowed and cut to Darcy looking for injuries. "However, we are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you at Stark Tower and a member of the Avengers Adjacent". Do, whatta, huh?

"I'm sorry, I'm confused. Mr. Stark very plainly told get to get out of his tower and made it quite clear that I am not needed. I will not stay where I am not wanted, Ms. Potts, I've had that my entire life, and I just can't do it anymore." Darcy felt pins and needles beginning to build at the backs of her eyes. If she weren't careful, she was going to cry.

"Mr. Stark was verging on alcohol poisoning and had to have his stomach pumped," Ms. Potts cut in. He was in near hysterics for fear that he hurt you – or drove you away. Stark Industries alone needs you to continue your work in the labs – but Tony will be crushed if you leave," she paused to take a breath and to see how this information was settling in with Darcy. "What will it take for you to agree to stay?" she finally asked.

"If I am truly wanted and needed, I'll stay," Darcy responded. And then thought a second. "You might want to keep me and Captain America at least 50 feet apart at all times though. I have a feeling he is going to be pissed."

"I wasn't aware that you'd met the Good Captain, Lady Darcy! Pray tell, why do you fear him so?" Thor cut into the conversation.

"I hadn't yet… and I'm not afraid of him. I just… I may have done something slightly inappropriate in retaliation for what he said to Tony." Darcy was doing her best not to cower away from Ms. Potts while showing Thor she wasn't afraid. She was pretty sure the Big Guy would go to bat for her… and then Captain America _really_ wouldn't like her.

"What do you mean in retaliation for what he said to Tony? What does that have to do with anything?" Ms. Potts asked confused. They were almost back to the tower.

"Captain America went Gonzo on Tony, hitting a low blow and using Howard against him. Tony still upset, took that anger out on me. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, unless you go after the originator instead on a new target," Darcy explained. Pepper couldn't help but be impressed with her reasoning.

"What exactly did you do?" She asked the girl. They were pulling into the underground parking of the tower now. The sooner Tony could put eyes on her and know she was okay and not going anywhere, the sooner they could all go to bed and get a good night's rest. And besides, she couldn't argue with the girl's logic. Steve _had_ been an asshole to Tony. He probably deserved whatever she managed to come up with.

"I switched out his personal lubricant for Icy Hot," Darcy replied completely serious.

 _Jesus Christ, maybe not_ thought Ms. Potts.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE #2** : Unfortunately, I know just how bad this is compliments of my brother. If there are any gentleman out there reading this… **DON'T DO IT**.


End file.
